Songs to Play at my Funeral

This is one of (and maybe) my most personal songs I have ever written. The origin of the story goes back to when Heather and I were dating and living in Chico. It’s been a running joke in my immediate family and amongst my siblings that the Simons family has a bit of a temper at times. I’d like to think we are just a fiery Portuguese family but, it is probably not that simple and given my fair skin, I am questioning if I am Portuguese at all (I mean, I had to look up how to spell Portuguese when writing this post). I think we get our anger from our dad who was just, well….. angry most of the time. The interesting thing about my anger (I can’t speak for the rest of my siblings and my kids, who may have inherited this unfortunate trait) is that I blow up at very trivial things. Things that I feel like I can’t control and blame myself for being too stupid to control them like the normal, well functioning people around me. Which brings me to the origin of this story. I was sitting in our cute little apartment in Chico (1 of about 8 we lived in back in the day, but I digress) and it couldn’t have been a more pleasant Saturday morning. Sun was shining, house was in order as it always was (and has been since we’ve been together) and I was writing something or maybe even drawing one of my early sketches. Although, I remember this being a No. 2 Dixon Tigonderoga pencil which I would never be caught dead using for my artwork. That was a pencil made for homework or note taking and that was it. Anyway, it was quite sharp and whatever list I was making was going great until……wait for it…..the pencil tip snapped. Well, I didn’t plan on that and it pissed me off quite a bit. So what does anyone with a temper like mine do? Well, they throw the damn faulty pencil across the room and drop a few F bombs cursing it’s existence. To this day, I am beyond grateful Heather still married me having seen me in full melt down mode for such a ridiculously silly reason. 

Fast forward to around 2015. I tried to put down in words what it is like living with this “affliction” of losing your temper over silly things. In particular the idea that anytime you DON’T lose it over something trivial, it goes unnoticed, because that is what normal people do. They don’t throw the damn pencil across the room when the lead snaps, the simply get up and go sharpen the pencil or get a new one and start over. As a man now approaching his 50’s in 2015 I had made great strides and most of the time when a pencil snapped or I didn’t get some simple thing right the first time I was able to keep my cool and not lose my composure, which I was internally very proud of. However, externally no one was patting me on the back or saying “good job, you really kept your cool there.” Which, I get 100% why they weren’t giving me credit for something that sane people do without thinking about. I, on the other hand, had to work at it and hone that skill. One that I am proud to say today I am “mostly” good at today. 

So this song is called Bleed and I have recorded two versions which appropriately there is a harder and softer version. In hindsight, I feel like it represents both sides of my anger battle. The harder being the devil on my shoulder that allows me to lose my shit over stupid stuff and the softer being the side that accepts the things he cannot change. Maybe I am being over dramatic with that interpretation, but it’s kinda fun to psychoanalyze this stuff now looking back. The line in this one I am most proud of is “I get no credit when I succeed. I only get the blame when I bleed.” Again, the idea being if I don’t lose my shit over trivial stuff, there is no trophy for that (which I wholly accept), but if I do lose it, then people (rightfully so) look at me like an animal in a cage. I feel like it is important to note that I do feel like I am winning the battle and most of time am able to control my emotions and remind myself, that it is just a broken pencil lead and there are more sharp pencils nearby in the drawer. It will be OK. 

I still very much love these versions and again, am proud of the raw nature of the lyrics and music. The harder version, I tried to go deeper with my vocals and feel like it worked for the song and the subject. I also think I may have had a cold and took advantage of the rougher voice that gave me. hehe. On the softer version I went through a tremelo filter that gave an echo’y dramatic feeling to the recording. Just wanted to make sure you the reader, knew it was an intentional artistic choice. (It’s important to me that you know that.). I know, I can be alot and need much validation. 

Bleed

Here I am again
At this place I don’t like to talk about
Here I am again
With only one way in and no way out

I’ve been here before
Shouting at the door
I’ve been here before
I can’t do (take) this anymore

I get no credit if I succeed
I only get blame when I bleed
I’m on my knees begging please
To pity me and pity my disease

I’ve been here before
Shouting at the door
I’ve been here before
I can’t do (take) this anymore